This probably isn't healthy

I just wanted to share with all of you that it is about midnight on a Saturday night and I just drank a beverage that didn't contain alcohol and literally thought my body was going into shock.  I have been drinking so much alcohol that it is making me physically uncomfortable with normal beverages. That is not a good sign.  The other day I swallowed a mouthful of Scope because I'm so used to taking shots.
I am extremely lucky to be dating another functioning alcoholic that finds my drinking habits attractive.  Because that's what I need, incentive to keep drinking. Also, we're not the kind of couple that fights when we drink.  We're the couple that just wants to make out in public and drukenly slur sweet nothings to each other.  So ladies, if you're looking for a handsome, sweet, understanding boyfriend that finds heavy drinking sexy, too late.  I'm pretty sure I snagged the last one.

This is where crazy comes from

All women are crazy.  I am a woman and I'm telling you from experience.  I'm not going to pretend I myself am not crazy, I'm just more aware of it. We make decisions based on emotions.  When you are in school learning the alphabet or how to add, the teachers don't ask you what you FEEL the answer should be.  There is a reason for that.  Emotions should not fuel our thoughts.
Men, please pay attention to this lesson.  You cannot expect a woman to use logic when you are trying to tell her you just want to have sex with her and not a serious relationship.  She will nod and agree and parrot back everything you say.  You will think you two are on the same page and you are about to embark on a sexual journey of two adults that just enjoy each other physically.  She will think you find her attractive and you will be with her in an intimate way that has to mean something.  One night you will think you would enjoy dinner and sex, so why not have her along for both.  To her, that will be a date; your way of finally letting her know that you're feeling something too.  You'll start having more sex with her because you believe that's all you two have together.  She will believe that you cannot get enough of her so you have to be with her all the time.  She may even label one of those sessions as "making love."  Do I have to continue, or are most of you already shuddering with memories and going through post traumatic stress disorder?
The craziness we possess is located inside of us, inside our vaginas incidentally.  Just think of it like pumping air into a bicycle tire.  The more times and the harder you pump it, the bigger the craziness becomes.  Keep drilling at an already crazy girl, pretending she isn't crazy, just makes her crazier.
Unfortunately I do not have a clear cut solution for you.  It is extremely important that you are aware of the fact the "I told her it was just sex from day one" is not an actual defense.  That actually only works on men, so looks like you have a major life choice to make.

Be extremely careful

Many of my Facebook friends don't seem to be aware that there is a camera positioned in their vehicle and it is constantly taking pictures of them.  That has to be what is going on because there are hundreds of photos of them in their vehicles.  Or maybe they are doing it themselves because they know they look hot when they are driving.  I am not that lucky.  I drive every day, to all sorts of different places and I've never once thought, "I'm so f-ing good at this, I need to take a picture of myself."  That's just me.  That's my flaw.  Or maybe they are just that busy with life that they know they need to document their look for that day, but forget until they are sitting at a red light.  I wonder if there is another subculture of people that just enjoy the back drop of the interior of their vehicles.  I imagine them getting dressed up, running to their cars to take a picture, then running back in to upload it to Facebook.  So many possibilities...

It's not that I dislike Dave Matthews Band

I like them. I've always liked them.  I just don't understand why some people act as if going to a Dave Matthews concert is like they attended Woodstock.  Many people travel long distances on several occasions to see him.  That's fine if that's what you're into, but don't be disappointed in me for not being more impressed.  Also, please stop referring to attending a Dave Matthews concert as "going to see Dave."  Quit trying to trick me into believing that you are so close with him that you are just going to pop in on him at his home.  "We went to see Dave" is extremely misleading and I resent the verbal trickery.  I bet you also say "I love you" too soon and have been making wedding plans since you were 10.

No, I do not speak Korean

I'm not quite clear on why it's so very disappointing that I am Korean, but do not actually speak Korean.  I was raised by white people in America just like most of you, but I'm still lacking since I don't speak my native tongue.  When you find out someone is German, how often do you immediately throw German phrases at them, then shake your head when they say they don't speak the language.  Also, once I explain that I'm just as American as you are, so I don't understand any Korean, why do people then proceed to go through other activities they believe all Koreans should possess?  Well, can you cook Korean food?  Have you been back there?  Do you know "insert name of Asian stranger here"?  So here is my formal apology.  I am so very sorry that my appearance makes my personality and entire life disappointing for you.  I know you'd love to hear some culturally rich anecdotes, possibly even acted out for you in a traditional kimono, but I'm just another American citizen.  My apologies (hands together, slight head bow).

I'm going to try doing it the opposite this time

I'm not a horrendous looking girl, but I don't ever think I'm the hot one.  I only get hit on when I'm bartending (translation: completely surrounded by booze), so it's pretty easy to remain single.  I also get called terrible, nasty names and get everything from my intelligence to my race to my education insulted on a nightly basis.  Bartending is just as humbling as it is flattering, if you're doing it right.  

I've literally been bartending for over a decade, and a formidable decade at that.  All that drunk attention in my early 20s was as intoxicating as the Jager Bombs that I recall being the "new thing".  I was young and single and dated my bar customers as well as my co-workers.  Now, in my early 30s, the thought of doing that makes me feel dirty and kind of ill.  In my old age, I am aware of that most of my appeal comes from being unattainable.  Once I become attained, I'd lose my appeal.  Isn't being appealing more important than being attained?  

Luckily for me, I don't ever feel tempted to compromise on this.  When you are 32, female, never been married, don't have any kids, and aren't actively looking to get married right away, oddly enough, you are not that much of a catch.  I have been accused of being crazy, high maintenance, barren, frigid, and hard to please.  Another reason I don't feel like I'm missing out by not wanting to date a co-worker or bar customer.  

So to recap, early 20s, dated bar flys and co-workers.  Didn't work out for me that well.  Early 30s, NOT going to date bar flys and co-workers.  I'm choosing appealing over attained.  Of course, I work in a bar and only go to bars I work at...hmm...didn't think this all the way....through...

I have an iPhone

I don't brag that I have an iPhone.  I don't think it makes me better than you. I obviously like it.  I know you like your phone, too.  I'm sure it's impressive, but it's not an iPhone.  I prefer my phone.  If I didn't, I'd buy a different one.  Quit giving me a rundown of all the things your phone can do everytime you pull it out.  I didn't ask.  Quit telling me it's better than an iPhone.  You got it for free.  People don't wait in line for your phone.  My phone does absolutely everything.  In fact, it is probably the reason that I am still single.  I don't feel like I need anything or anyone else.  I mean, it doesn't have a penis or anything, but it downloads porn faster than it drops calls.