Lying is not an exercise

I don't work out.  I don't really have to.  I should, but I'd rather drink and eat.  You don't have to be a member of anything or sign a contract to do those things.  I'm not fat or ugly, so I feel justified in wanting people to shut up about working out.  Mainly because the people that talk about it constantly can't possibly be working out as much as they say.  If you're in phenomenal shape, then I can tell you work out.  It's that easy.  If you have to tell me all the time and I question the validity of your statements, you're either doing it wrong or you're lying.  Either way, stop talking.  If you are asked to do something and you can't, that's fine.  Don't tell me you can't because it's Legs Day.  That sounds stupid.  I'm supposed to believe that exercising dominates your life so much that you have to rename the days of the week.  In that case, I can't go to the gym with you because it's Whiskey Day.  I just don't feel right if I skip Whiskey Day. 

I think we could use flat irons as weapons

Has anyone else noticed how stupid girls are that flat iron their hair daily?  I have to admit, I do occassionally use a flat iron, even though my Asian hair is already luxurious; but for some reason, girls that do this every day seem to be idiots.  Maybe it's from petting it all the time to make sure it is in fact still straight.  Or maybe something about the iron kills brain cells.  All I know is these morons keep sitting around, fondling their own hair, mouths hanging open like a stroke patient, chewing gum like it's their job.  I wish that was their job because they are awful at everything else. I'm sure they're a decent lay, but alas, God did not bless me with a penis.  Therefore, they are no good to me.
So, I wonder if we could somehow convince our enemies to constantly flat iron their hair, we could slowly watch them become giggling idiots.  They'd forget about fighting and strategizing and concentrate more on spray tanning and making all their words run together when they talk.  Then we could set up a fake Charlotte Russe store and just lock the door when they all ran in.  They'd die a slow death when we read them Shakespeare and asked them who was on a twenty five dollar bill. 

This isn't a movie

You cannot just come up and say "I want a beer" and immediately have a full mug of your favorite lager.  Getting in bar fights is not a fun, well choreographed event that has the perfect country song playing in the background.  The attractive person behind the bar isn't your soul mate who is flattered that you're hitting on them; that's the bartender, you idiot.  I've seen lazy eyed fat broads with missing teeth get hit on just because they were surrounded by bottles of booze and could make a good Long Island Tea.  You're not the first or last to think "That bartender is pretty cute.  See how nice she's been to me?  I think she likes me."  You are  not the only person in the bar that wants to talk to the staff.  Everyone does.  Everyone has a story, or a problem, or a line, or a drink order.  We don't have time to listen to your life story.  Honestly, it's not that interesting anyway.  And it keeps you from drinking and/or tabbing out, which is the two most important things you can do in a bar. 

Stop watching movies and thinking that's your real life.  Watch 16 and Pregnant if you want to see your real life. 

I'll miss racism when I'm dead

I'm Asian.  I've been Asian for over 30 years.  I've already heard all the math jokes.  I know you've watched Asian porn and think of that every other time you look at me.  My name is not Kim.  I'm only pretending to think it's fun to watch you play "Guess where I'm from" and name every other option other than Korean, then proceed to dissect my physical appearance.  Saying you like Asian women is not really a heartwarming compliment and you're not the first to try that one.  Please strive to be original.  Racism is not original.  I promise.  I have no reason to lie.  I'm not a Jew. 

This IS my real job

I know bartenders are not the only ones that have to explain this to people all the time. I am a full time bartender.  I was, I wasn't, now I am again.  It doesn't mean I'm unintelligent or an addict or running from the law.  It doesn't mean I don't actually work for a living.  I simply chose a profession that pays twice as much as my former office job for less work and lets me have a little more fun.  Of course, just like any job, it's not all fun and games, as you soon will see.

My life is filled with hilarious stories, really good friends, and unique obstacles.  I'm good at many things but great at bartending.  I'm a Korean girl, or woman I guess since I'm in my thirties, living in the midwest.  Don't worry, I did most of my growing up in the south, so I'm used to the racism.  Here are some of my stories.  They're best enjoyed with a shot of whiskey and a beer, so go stock up.  I'll wait...