Be extremely careful

Many of my Facebook friends don't seem to be aware that there is a camera positioned in their vehicle and it is constantly taking pictures of them.  That has to be what is going on because there are hundreds of photos of them in their vehicles.  Or maybe they are doing it themselves because they know they look hot when they are driving.  I am not that lucky.  I drive every day, to all sorts of different places and I've never once thought, "I'm so f-ing good at this, I need to take a picture of myself."  That's just me.  That's my flaw.  Or maybe they are just that busy with life that they know they need to document their look for that day, but forget until they are sitting at a red light.  I wonder if there is another subculture of people that just enjoy the back drop of the interior of their vehicles.  I imagine them getting dressed up, running to their cars to take a picture, then running back in to upload it to Facebook.  So many possibilities...

It's not that I dislike Dave Matthews Band

I like them. I've always liked them.  I just don't understand why some people act as if going to a Dave Matthews concert is like they attended Woodstock.  Many people travel long distances on several occasions to see him.  That's fine if that's what you're into, but don't be disappointed in me for not being more impressed.  Also, please stop referring to attending a Dave Matthews concert as "going to see Dave."  Quit trying to trick me into believing that you are so close with him that you are just going to pop in on him at his home.  "We went to see Dave" is extremely misleading and I resent the verbal trickery.  I bet you also say "I love you" too soon and have been making wedding plans since you were 10.

No, I do not speak Korean

I'm not quite clear on why it's so very disappointing that I am Korean, but do not actually speak Korean.  I was raised by white people in America just like most of you, but I'm still lacking since I don't speak my native tongue.  When you find out someone is German, how often do you immediately throw German phrases at them, then shake your head when they say they don't speak the language.  Also, once I explain that I'm just as American as you are, so I don't understand any Korean, why do people then proceed to go through other activities they believe all Koreans should possess?  Well, can you cook Korean food?  Have you been back there?  Do you know "insert name of Asian stranger here"?  So here is my formal apology.  I am so very sorry that my appearance makes my personality and entire life disappointing for you.  I know you'd love to hear some culturally rich anecdotes, possibly even acted out for you in a traditional kimono, but I'm just another American citizen.  My apologies (hands together, slight head bow).

I'm going to try doing it the opposite this time

I'm not a horrendous looking girl, but I don't ever think I'm the hot one.  I only get hit on when I'm bartending (translation: completely surrounded by booze), so it's pretty easy to remain single.  I also get called terrible, nasty names and get everything from my intelligence to my race to my education insulted on a nightly basis.  Bartending is just as humbling as it is flattering, if you're doing it right.  

I've literally been bartending for over a decade, and a formidable decade at that.  All that drunk attention in my early 20s was as intoxicating as the Jager Bombs that I recall being the "new thing".  I was young and single and dated my bar customers as well as my co-workers.  Now, in my early 30s, the thought of doing that makes me feel dirty and kind of ill.  In my old age, I am aware of that most of my appeal comes from being unattainable.  Once I become attained, I'd lose my appeal.  Isn't being appealing more important than being attained?  

Luckily for me, I don't ever feel tempted to compromise on this.  When you are 32, female, never been married, don't have any kids, and aren't actively looking to get married right away, oddly enough, you are not that much of a catch.  I have been accused of being crazy, high maintenance, barren, frigid, and hard to please.  Another reason I don't feel like I'm missing out by not wanting to date a co-worker or bar customer.  

So to recap, early 20s, dated bar flys and co-workers.  Didn't work out for me that well.  Early 30s, NOT going to date bar flys and co-workers.  I'm choosing appealing over attained.  Of course, I work in a bar and only go to bars I work at...hmm...didn't think this all the way....through...

I have an iPhone

I don't brag that I have an iPhone.  I don't think it makes me better than you. I obviously like it.  I know you like your phone, too.  I'm sure it's impressive, but it's not an iPhone.  I prefer my phone.  If I didn't, I'd buy a different one.  Quit giving me a rundown of all the things your phone can do everytime you pull it out.  I didn't ask.  Quit telling me it's better than an iPhone.  You got it for free.  People don't wait in line for your phone.  My phone does absolutely everything.  In fact, it is probably the reason that I am still single.  I don't feel like I need anything or anyone else.  I mean, it doesn't have a penis or anything, but it downloads porn faster than it drops calls.

i would like to punch you in the dick

There are two people I've never met that I think deserved to punched in the dick. 
Toby Keith:  Your "I Love This Bar" song is one of the worst things to ever happen to a jukebox.  Everyone thinks they are the only one ever to play it and say "I love this bar" and I can't stand it.  The song sucks.  You suck.  You released a song and then opened a bar of the same name.  If I did that, my song and bar would be named "Toby Keith is a generic used tampon".
"Me love you long time" guy.  Some white guy somewhere wrote this line and it has followed me my entire life.  I don't talk like that.  I don't want to sound like that.  I hate how grammatically incorrect it is even as much as I hate the racism involved.  If any Asian talks like that now, it's because of that line. 
So be warned.  You will get my fists of fury to the groin if I ever meet you. 

I'm full of judgment

Many people judge others by their looks or their cars or their clothes.  I like to make it a little more complex.  For example, I enjoy judging people by what they drink.  I used to work in a bar that served several different beers on tap, one of them being Coors Light.  We offered 12 and 22 ounce mugs and I noticed almost all of my unfavorite people drank Coors Light on tap.  I also noticed the larger mug of Coors Light went to the larger douchebags.  I'm still skeptical of Coors Light draft drinkers. 
I also criticize anyone that goes through the trouble of ordering a halfway decent tequila (such as Patron) chilled with salt and lime.  Just go eat chips and salsa.  Quit bothering me. 
I also don't trust any man that can't have at least one shot of whiskey.  I have several and I'm 5', 100 lbs and a female. 
Don't get me wrong, I'm superficial as well.  I just enjoy judging people so much I've added other ways to make fun of them.