Here's your proof

As time wears on, old theories still hold true.  Things our parents told us actually turn out to be right.  Let's look at the assumption that girls mature faster than boys.  Recent national studies have shown that girls have performed oral sex on a boy by the time they turn fourteen.  Is this really the sort of act any female wants to engage in as soon as possible?  Is high school not terrible enough that they need the added pressure of performing blow jobs?  Young men are not racking up numbers as high as young women when it comes to carrying out this act.  Mature does men adult and grown up, so it must be true.  Girls DO mature faster than boys.  Congratulations ladies!  Wipe your mouths, check your teeth, and give each other a hand.  Speaking of hands, don't even get me started on hands....

We get it! You're in love. Shut up

As a joke, I made my boyfriend agree to put that we were in a relationship with each other on Facebook.  The backlash he received from his male friends was so hilarious to us both, we decided to keep it that way.  Secretly, I kind of like it because, let's face it, I am a woman and I am constantly competing with other women whether they know it or not.  Mainly, it was just supposed to be a temporary joke that became funnier when we made it permanent.
I am fully aware that it is our behavior and general demeanor that make it apparent that we are in a relationship with each other.  Becoming "Facebook official" was not something that kept me up at night or made me cry to my girlfriends (er, girlfriend, singular, not plural).  It may be cute to post something on Facebook every now and then about your significant other and how wonderful they are or how much in love you are.  I think it's a nice way to commemorate your wedding day or the birth of a child.  I am more concerned with the constant daily reminders of how much you love your boyfriend or girlfriend.  We get it.  You're in love.  Yippee.  I'm in love and you don't see me bragging about it every time you get online.  We can't even remember to take pictures together, let alone tag that we are someplace together, let everyone know we're there because we love to be places together, take pictures there to immediately upload to Facebook, tag THOSE pics, then produce status updates about said pictures and locations with more tags.
So I'm sorry my friends, if you want to be able to tell if I'm in love with my boyfriend, you're just going to have to do it the old fashioned way.  Find out what bar we're in and watch us get drunk and make out.  Romance and class delivered.

Ummm, what the?

I have a confession.  I enjoy watching terrible reality television while I do mundane chores around the house such as folding laundry.  I am especially entertained by shows that feature single women trying to figure out why they are still single.  I. Love. These.  Women.  They make me feel extremely confident and intelligent.
I am surprised at this Oprah inspired movement of "vision boards" and "dealbreaker" type lists.  We all have preferences and pet peeves, but why must these women write them down?  Do they have dementia?  I know I don't like guys that are pussies and can't drink hard liquor.  I'm not afraid I'll forget that and accidentally wind up in a relationship with a wimp that can't fight and only orders daiquiris.  Also, these women all say they want a good looking guy that doesn't cheat.  Oh, good.  Glad you put that on paper.  The rest of us are in the market for ugly men that sleep around.  THAT'S probably why I got cheated on.  I never bothered to write down that fact that I dislike it.
I can't even wrap my mind around the vision boards.  If you find yourself with so much spare time that you are cutting out pictures of celebrities and jewelry store ads to compile your idea of the perfect relationship, then you are way too single and way too crazy to even handle dating a real man.  I can't ever imagine a sane, capable man saying "I really hope I find a woman one day that has already put unreachable expectations on me before she's even met me.  I hope she takes me to her room one day and shows me an adult arts and crafts project of her imagination and says I'm the lucky man that fits the mold."
So ladies, stay away from the scissors and the glue sticks and the lists.  Use that time to figure out why you're not attracting the right man.  It can't be all their fault.  What daddy issues and mistakes other men have made are you blaming every one else for?  Really look for answers to those questions.  Or just learn to cook.  Either way, stop putting your psychosis down on paper.  The evidence is damaging.

You're worrying about the wrong things

We all know there are a handful of establishments that specifically hire attractive women that are willing to wear little to no clothing to attract male clientele.  It is a business model that obviously works.  Men are going to these places.  They are spending their money there and may even be flirting with some of the employees.  Trying to keep them away from these places seems like a waste of time.  Women are everywhere.  Slutty, attractive, troublesome women are absolutely everywhere.  My ex cheated on me with a co-worker.  He didn't have to travel to a strip club or a restaurant that had buxom waitresses.  He was smarter and got paid to find someone to screw behind my back instead of paying someone else.  Most women I've spoken to that have been cheated on often have their men's jobs or internet to blame as the scene of the crime.
I just think it is so silly to think that those kind of women only exist in those types of establishments.  Especially when, let's be honest, most of us women have been "those kind of women" once in our pasts.  So let's concentrate less on where our men are eating lunch and more on why we're so insecure about it.  What have WE done in the past to make us so sure women are evil?

It really ISN'T supposed to be that difficult

I am in my early 30s, a child of the 80s, and raised in a single parent household.  Many of us can be described this way.  I'm not exactly sure which part of my upbringing had me convinced that relationships are supposed to be such hard work.  Not just compromise, but grueling, painful hard work.  I haven't had many relationships, but the, ahem, two I had in the past were full of too much effort on both of our parts.  I'm not saying I was always a dream to be with; I know my exes had to work hard to be with me as well.  I am fortunate enough to now be with someone that doesn't make me feel like I have another full time job.  I'm not saying he doesn't sometimes drive me crazy when he gets tired and cranky and yells for water, but for the most part, it's relaxed and smooth sailing.  We all just need to realize that the hard work that relationships require is not supposed to be constant.  We don't have to suffer greatly for very little reward.  Relationships should not be as exhausting as our jobs, which we at least get paid to dislike.
So if you have suffered or are suffering through a relationship that made you feel slightly off and extremely overworked, know that it does get better.  It is not supposed that hard.

Why do men cheat?

Why do men cheat, how to keep your man, why do they do it…? All these questions come up when
we find out very successful men that seem to have the perfect marriages go astray. Here’s the real
question: Why are we still surprised? Haven’t you heard the old saying “No matter how beautiful a
woman is there is a man somewhere that is tired of her crap”?
Notice they always cheat on women different from their spouses. This makes complete sense. If you
love pizza, you still don’t want to eat it every single day. You would need to take a break from pizza
and get a steak. Doesn’t mean you are done with pizza or don’t like it anymore, you’re just craving
something different. Same concept.
Many men actually have so much respect for their wives that they take lovers to have someone to
disrespect. They couldn’t imagine treating their wives like a prostitute in the bedroom; that’s the
mother of their children and the woman who swore to love them wearing all white. The waitress at the
diner though, who cares who she really is and her apron was red, so she’s fair game. Another thing ladies:
taking out the trash and carrying groceries are not things that make men feel masculine. If anything,
those chores make them feel like little boys again. When that “other woman” makes them sweat and
obeys their orders, that makes them feel masculine.
Let me say, I do not condone infidelity, I just think I may understand it. Men are not like women. Men
do not think in terms of emotions or consequences like women do. They are very logical creatures.
They know they will never have superpowers and get to lead double lives as businessmen during the day
and secret agents by night. So the next best thing for many of them is to be dutiful husbands as well as
bad boy lovers.
I’m sure this will enrage or even scare some women out there, and it should. More than likely, if your
man is not cheating on you, he’s thought about it. I wonder what he decided? 

Toothbrushes are extremely important

It is extremely important to brush your teeth.  It promotes healthy gums, white teeth, and fresh breath.  They taught us all these basic facts in kindergarten.  I bet you don't remember hearing that a toothbrush will also make or break the progression of a relationship.
I have not had a lot of guests' toothbrushes in my life, but as one appears beside mine, I can't help wondering what the big deal is.  I'm always hearing women sigh and declare "Well, he has a toothbrush at my place."  I don't quite understand.  Men don't carry purses, so it's much more difficult to carry a toothbrush to and fro.  For the most part, it's just a normal over the counter disposable toothbrush, not a Sonicare, so leaving a toothbrush behind might have him out, what, oh maybe a buck?  All the toothbrush really says is "I come over here and do stuff that takes some time and makes my breath reek."  If a man just said that to most women, they wouldn't exactly swoon.
I've also heard women declare the moment they leave a toothbrush at a man's place.  First of all, have you noticed it's mainly when the man has roommates, which is a terrifying prospect on many levels.  One, it's much easier for men to explain away an extra toothbrush to other women when a roommate is involved.  Two, I can only imagine what is being done to that toothbrush when the owner isn't in attendance.
Also, just leaving a toothbrush behind unannounced isn't that impressive.  I bet most men don't even notice that there is an extra toothbrush, especially if we are referring to the same roommate situation.  Then, if they do notice it, why would they bother throwing it away or mentioning it to you if they wanted it removed?  Have you ever noticed how awful it is to talk to one of us about relationship boundaries?  It's awful.  They're honestly just choosing their battles.
So, let's just remember what's important about the toothbrush. It is not a barometer for our relationships.  Let's use toothbrushes to promote both good dental health AND good mental health.

When is the last time someone asked you out?

When is the last time someone asked you out?

Actually asked you out with words that you heard with your own ears, not just read off of a screen?

Men, you can read this, too. In fact, I just want to congratulate you. I am not an extremely old woman,
but I am someone who can recall those awkward conversations with young men who were trying to find
a way to ask me on a date. An actual conversation to invite me to a dinner or movie, face to face, or
sometimes over the phone, but still, with voices involved. The men I dated did not have the luxury of
mainstream texting or social networking to find out if they would be rejected.

Women are now allowing men to turn them into drive thru fast food chains. A man can go through his
contact list on his phone like a menu, send out his order to be filled immediately, and find it warm and
neatly wrapped in his lap for a low price.

Again, you have to be impressed with the men. They have convinced us that so many things are sexy to
them, and we just fall for it. They used to have to imagine what kind of panties we were wearing; now,
we just let our thongs stick out of the top of our extremely low pants. They would have to romance
us to get an invitation into our homes, let alone see us naked; now, we send them pictures directly to
their phones or just post them on our own pages. These geniuses do not even have to buy us drinks
anymore. Just show up at any given ladies’ night where we’re already drinking free and just wait until
2 AM.

So the next time you want to cry to your girlfriends about the recent man you met not treating you like a
lady, ask yourself this, when’s the last time you acted like a lady?

Men are imitating women now

After a year of being completely single and not wanting to date anyone, I'm surprised how men are reacting to the news that I now have a boyfriend.  First of all, I may or may not have led people to believe that I may in fact be a lesbian.  I take the blame for that.  Still, I'm shocked to learn that some men believed I was just waiting to until I was ready to go out with them specifically.  They get drunk and tell me their feelings are hurt. They go up to my boyfriend and act friendly, then behind his back say they don't understand why we're dating.  They whisper among themselves about what they think about our relationship and how they don't approve.  So to sum up, they are delusional, emotional, backstabbing, and gossipy.  Sound familiar?  Congratulations boys.  You should be having your first period soon.

This probably isn't healthy

I just wanted to share with all of you that it is about midnight on a Saturday night and I just drank a beverage that didn't contain alcohol and literally thought my body was going into shock.  I have been drinking so much alcohol that it is making me physically uncomfortable with normal beverages. That is not a good sign.  The other day I swallowed a mouthful of Scope because I'm so used to taking shots.
I am extremely lucky to be dating another functioning alcoholic that finds my drinking habits attractive.  Because that's what I need, incentive to keep drinking. Also, we're not the kind of couple that fights when we drink.  We're the couple that just wants to make out in public and drukenly slur sweet nothings to each other.  So ladies, if you're looking for a handsome, sweet, understanding boyfriend that finds heavy drinking sexy, too late.  I'm pretty sure I snagged the last one.

This is where crazy comes from

All women are crazy.  I am a woman and I'm telling you from experience.  I'm not going to pretend I myself am not crazy, I'm just more aware of it. We make decisions based on emotions.  When you are in school learning the alphabet or how to add, the teachers don't ask you what you FEEL the answer should be.  There is a reason for that.  Emotions should not fuel our thoughts.
Men, please pay attention to this lesson.  You cannot expect a woman to use logic when you are trying to tell her you just want to have sex with her and not a serious relationship.  She will nod and agree and parrot back everything you say.  You will think you two are on the same page and you are about to embark on a sexual journey of two adults that just enjoy each other physically.  She will think you find her attractive and you will be with her in an intimate way that has to mean something.  One night you will think you would enjoy dinner and sex, so why not have her along for both.  To her, that will be a date; your way of finally letting her know that you're feeling something too.  You'll start having more sex with her because you believe that's all you two have together.  She will believe that you cannot get enough of her so you have to be with her all the time.  She may even label one of those sessions as "making love."  Do I have to continue, or are most of you already shuddering with memories and going through post traumatic stress disorder?
The craziness we possess is located inside of us, inside our vaginas incidentally.  Just think of it like pumping air into a bicycle tire.  The more times and the harder you pump it, the bigger the craziness becomes.  Keep drilling at an already crazy girl, pretending she isn't crazy, just makes her crazier.
Unfortunately I do not have a clear cut solution for you.  It is extremely important that you are aware of the fact the "I told her it was just sex from day one" is not an actual defense.  That actually only works on men, so looks like you have a major life choice to make.

Be extremely careful

Many of my Facebook friends don't seem to be aware that there is a camera positioned in their vehicle and it is constantly taking pictures of them.  That has to be what is going on because there are hundreds of photos of them in their vehicles.  Or maybe they are doing it themselves because they know they look hot when they are driving.  I am not that lucky.  I drive every day, to all sorts of different places and I've never once thought, "I'm so f-ing good at this, I need to take a picture of myself."  That's just me.  That's my flaw.  Or maybe they are just that busy with life that they know they need to document their look for that day, but forget until they are sitting at a red light.  I wonder if there is another subculture of people that just enjoy the back drop of the interior of their vehicles.  I imagine them getting dressed up, running to their cars to take a picture, then running back in to upload it to Facebook.  So many possibilities...

It's not that I dislike Dave Matthews Band

I like them. I've always liked them.  I just don't understand why some people act as if going to a Dave Matthews concert is like they attended Woodstock.  Many people travel long distances on several occasions to see him.  That's fine if that's what you're into, but don't be disappointed in me for not being more impressed.  Also, please stop referring to attending a Dave Matthews concert as "going to see Dave."  Quit trying to trick me into believing that you are so close with him that you are just going to pop in on him at his home.  "We went to see Dave" is extremely misleading and I resent the verbal trickery.  I bet you also say "I love you" too soon and have been making wedding plans since you were 10.

No, I do not speak Korean

I'm not quite clear on why it's so very disappointing that I am Korean, but do not actually speak Korean.  I was raised by white people in America just like most of you, but I'm still lacking since I don't speak my native tongue.  When you find out someone is German, how often do you immediately throw German phrases at them, then shake your head when they say they don't speak the language.  Also, once I explain that I'm just as American as you are, so I don't understand any Korean, why do people then proceed to go through other activities they believe all Koreans should possess?  Well, can you cook Korean food?  Have you been back there?  Do you know "insert name of Asian stranger here"?  So here is my formal apology.  I am so very sorry that my appearance makes my personality and entire life disappointing for you.  I know you'd love to hear some culturally rich anecdotes, possibly even acted out for you in a traditional kimono, but I'm just another American citizen.  My apologies (hands together, slight head bow).

I'm going to try doing it the opposite this time

I'm not a horrendous looking girl, but I don't ever think I'm the hot one.  I only get hit on when I'm bartending (translation: completely surrounded by booze), so it's pretty easy to remain single.  I also get called terrible, nasty names and get everything from my intelligence to my race to my education insulted on a nightly basis.  Bartending is just as humbling as it is flattering, if you're doing it right.  

I've literally been bartending for over a decade, and a formidable decade at that.  All that drunk attention in my early 20s was as intoxicating as the Jager Bombs that I recall being the "new thing".  I was young and single and dated my bar customers as well as my co-workers.  Now, in my early 30s, the thought of doing that makes me feel dirty and kind of ill.  In my old age, I am aware of that most of my appeal comes from being unattainable.  Once I become attained, I'd lose my appeal.  Isn't being appealing more important than being attained?  

Luckily for me, I don't ever feel tempted to compromise on this.  When you are 32, female, never been married, don't have any kids, and aren't actively looking to get married right away, oddly enough, you are not that much of a catch.  I have been accused of being crazy, high maintenance, barren, frigid, and hard to please.  Another reason I don't feel like I'm missing out by not wanting to date a co-worker or bar customer.  

So to recap, early 20s, dated bar flys and co-workers.  Didn't work out for me that well.  Early 30s, NOT going to date bar flys and co-workers.  I'm choosing appealing over attained.  Of course, I work in a bar and only go to bars I work at...hmm...didn't think this all the way....through...

I have an iPhone

I don't brag that I have an iPhone.  I don't think it makes me better than you. I obviously like it.  I know you like your phone, too.  I'm sure it's impressive, but it's not an iPhone.  I prefer my phone.  If I didn't, I'd buy a different one.  Quit giving me a rundown of all the things your phone can do everytime you pull it out.  I didn't ask.  Quit telling me it's better than an iPhone.  You got it for free.  People don't wait in line for your phone.  My phone does absolutely everything.  In fact, it is probably the reason that I am still single.  I don't feel like I need anything or anyone else.  I mean, it doesn't have a penis or anything, but it downloads porn faster than it drops calls.

i would like to punch you in the dick

There are two people I've never met that I think deserved to punched in the dick. 
Toby Keith:  Your "I Love This Bar" song is one of the worst things to ever happen to a jukebox.  Everyone thinks they are the only one ever to play it and say "I love this bar" and I can't stand it.  The song sucks.  You suck.  You released a song and then opened a bar of the same name.  If I did that, my song and bar would be named "Toby Keith is a generic used tampon".
"Me love you long time" guy.  Some white guy somewhere wrote this line and it has followed me my entire life.  I don't talk like that.  I don't want to sound like that.  I hate how grammatically incorrect it is even as much as I hate the racism involved.  If any Asian talks like that now, it's because of that line. 
So be warned.  You will get my fists of fury to the groin if I ever meet you. 

I'm full of judgment

Many people judge others by their looks or their cars or their clothes.  I like to make it a little more complex.  For example, I enjoy judging people by what they drink.  I used to work in a bar that served several different beers on tap, one of them being Coors Light.  We offered 12 and 22 ounce mugs and I noticed almost all of my unfavorite people drank Coors Light on tap.  I also noticed the larger mug of Coors Light went to the larger douchebags.  I'm still skeptical of Coors Light draft drinkers. 
I also criticize anyone that goes through the trouble of ordering a halfway decent tequila (such as Patron) chilled with salt and lime.  Just go eat chips and salsa.  Quit bothering me. 
I also don't trust any man that can't have at least one shot of whiskey.  I have several and I'm 5', 100 lbs and a female. 
Don't get me wrong, I'm superficial as well.  I just enjoy judging people so much I've added other ways to make fun of them. 

Lying is not an exercise

I don't work out.  I don't really have to.  I should, but I'd rather drink and eat.  You don't have to be a member of anything or sign a contract to do those things.  I'm not fat or ugly, so I feel justified in wanting people to shut up about working out.  Mainly because the people that talk about it constantly can't possibly be working out as much as they say.  If you're in phenomenal shape, then I can tell you work out.  It's that easy.  If you have to tell me all the time and I question the validity of your statements, you're either doing it wrong or you're lying.  Either way, stop talking.  If you are asked to do something and you can't, that's fine.  Don't tell me you can't because it's Legs Day.  That sounds stupid.  I'm supposed to believe that exercising dominates your life so much that you have to rename the days of the week.  In that case, I can't go to the gym with you because it's Whiskey Day.  I just don't feel right if I skip Whiskey Day. 

I think we could use flat irons as weapons

Has anyone else noticed how stupid girls are that flat iron their hair daily?  I have to admit, I do occassionally use a flat iron, even though my Asian hair is already luxurious; but for some reason, girls that do this every day seem to be idiots.  Maybe it's from petting it all the time to make sure it is in fact still straight.  Or maybe something about the iron kills brain cells.  All I know is these morons keep sitting around, fondling their own hair, mouths hanging open like a stroke patient, chewing gum like it's their job.  I wish that was their job because they are awful at everything else. I'm sure they're a decent lay, but alas, God did not bless me with a penis.  Therefore, they are no good to me.
So, I wonder if we could somehow convince our enemies to constantly flat iron their hair, we could slowly watch them become giggling idiots.  They'd forget about fighting and strategizing and concentrate more on spray tanning and making all their words run together when they talk.  Then we could set up a fake Charlotte Russe store and just lock the door when they all ran in.  They'd die a slow death when we read them Shakespeare and asked them who was on a twenty five dollar bill. 

This isn't a movie

You cannot just come up and say "I want a beer" and immediately have a full mug of your favorite lager.  Getting in bar fights is not a fun, well choreographed event that has the perfect country song playing in the background.  The attractive person behind the bar isn't your soul mate who is flattered that you're hitting on them; that's the bartender, you idiot.  I've seen lazy eyed fat broads with missing teeth get hit on just because they were surrounded by bottles of booze and could make a good Long Island Tea.  You're not the first or last to think "That bartender is pretty cute.  See how nice she's been to me?  I think she likes me."  You are  not the only person in the bar that wants to talk to the staff.  Everyone does.  Everyone has a story, or a problem, or a line, or a drink order.  We don't have time to listen to your life story.  Honestly, it's not that interesting anyway.  And it keeps you from drinking and/or tabbing out, which is the two most important things you can do in a bar. 

Stop watching movies and thinking that's your real life.  Watch 16 and Pregnant if you want to see your real life. 

I'll miss racism when I'm dead

I'm Asian.  I've been Asian for over 30 years.  I've already heard all the math jokes.  I know you've watched Asian porn and think of that every other time you look at me.  My name is not Kim.  I'm only pretending to think it's fun to watch you play "Guess where I'm from" and name every other option other than Korean, then proceed to dissect my physical appearance.  Saying you like Asian women is not really a heartwarming compliment and you're not the first to try that one.  Please strive to be original.  Racism is not original.  I promise.  I have no reason to lie.  I'm not a Jew. 

This IS my real job

I know bartenders are not the only ones that have to explain this to people all the time. I am a full time bartender.  I was, I wasn't, now I am again.  It doesn't mean I'm unintelligent or an addict or running from the law.  It doesn't mean I don't actually work for a living.  I simply chose a profession that pays twice as much as my former office job for less work and lets me have a little more fun.  Of course, just like any job, it's not all fun and games, as you soon will see.

My life is filled with hilarious stories, really good friends, and unique obstacles.  I'm good at many things but great at bartending.  I'm a Korean girl, or woman I guess since I'm in my thirties, living in the midwest.  Don't worry, I did most of my growing up in the south, so I'm used to the racism.  Here are some of my stories.  They're best enjoyed with a shot of whiskey and a beer, so go stock up.  I'll wait...